Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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