dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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