I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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