We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
