all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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