remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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