just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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