Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
