I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Randomize
