When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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