someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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