it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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