I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize