god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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