you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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