can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
he had hair everywhere except his balls
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
