Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
