After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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