I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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