i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
