Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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