my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
