I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
