hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
