the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
the day after is always just damage control
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
