My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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