there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
