I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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