1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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