Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
