Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
