oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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