When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I touched a dick in church today
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
