then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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