Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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