So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
