winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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