So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
