My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
