this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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