Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
