oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
