I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
