wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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