my phone needs a breathalizer
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
