i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
