The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
