Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
