I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
