I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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