I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
We have started to decorate penises.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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