I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
