he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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