My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
