Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
either way he was missing a nipple.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
