Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
