I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
