I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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