I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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