I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
